i live for letting loose on the dance floor. i'm talking about freak-dancing in my room with the blinds wide open and quasi-tribal music blaring from my lame-ass computer speakers. sometimes someone knocks on the door and my heart begins pounding as i run over to open it while trying to wipe the goofy grin off my face that comes from the freak-dance exhilaration. sometimes when i'm dancing with myself, i just begin to laugh hysterically. i laugh so hard that i could cry and it would be alright. it makes me want to move to arizona and dance on the cracked mud while the rain drenches me (um?!). this is what makes life bearable. it's moments like this where you realize no matter what you're stressing about... it's all going to be pretty damn okay in the end. broken hearts mend, grades don't dictate the course of our lives, and friends will never fight forever. take it all with a grin and a belief that things work out, always. there is always always always resolution. i live for phone calls from my friends at home. they might not realize how much it means to me to know that they haven't forgotten, or that they just wanted to talk things out. i have such amazing friends here at school, and i'm only growing closer to them everyday. but people from home? you've dealt with my shit for years, and i will always be here to deal with yours. holla at me, loyalty. i live for my parent's advice. there was a time in my life where i wanted to be so far away from all of that; i wanted to be INDEPENDENT and learn for myself. then i realized.. hey. my mom's a pretty smart broad. i don't think she's ever given me advice that i didn't benefit from. what a wonderful resource to have. maybe i'll save myself some heartache in the end... just maybe. sometimes i just lay in bed and imagine that i were home.. what a great feeling family is. what an amazing irreplacable feeling, to love people that much. people that can't get rid of you; no matter what i do or what they do, we are absolutely stuck with eachother. i would have it no other way. when i fall in "love" i always get this intense fear of being left behind. why do i need to feel like that? i am a capable individual that will always have people that love her. i love my family more than anyone; perhaps it was the distance that i needed to realize it. i'm really trying to figure out what the fuck i want to study here. i can't put my finger on anything yet; in the beginning it was ENGLISH!! OMGOMG. now i realize that's just going to be a shitload of papers (that i hate writing). then i was all ART!! then i realized that it's sort of a silly thing to major in at a liberal arts college. i should've gone to an art school if that's what i wanted. now i'm thinking about history. please let history just work out. at least here, majoring in history means you memorize hard facts. dates. things that have already happened. all i keep running into now is questions, and that's called "learning." i want some fucking answers is what i want, in every realm of life. i want to KNOW. not guess, not hypothesize, not calculate the probability that something will happen or the statistical advantages of using one thing in comparison to another. i want to know. so, this is what life is. questions, frames of happiness, saddness, and everything inbetween, and intense feeling of love that penetrates it all. yes, i said "penetrates." farewell. | 